HELLO

As I come close to my twenty-fifth birthday I find myself reflecting on one of the most trying yet rewarding years of my life. Now my problems aren’t as big as other peoples problems, but they still matter to me and this post is me forgiving myself and introducing a person that I never want to lose again.

Almost a year ago I felt so lost and alone. I was self-conscious about myself and didn’t know which way was the right way. But along with all these emotions I had to face the fact that my almost five year relationship had reached a dead end. At this point I was so over everything. I was sad that we ended, but I found myself sitting at the edge of my new bed at the beginning of 2015 crying uncontrollably. But these weren’t sad tears that once fell upon my face when everything was happening at one time they were happy tears. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Although I knew that everything wouldn’t go away at one time it was a step. Since my birthday last year I have been gaining back control of my life and learn that not everything is meant to question because I know god has all of my plans mapped out for me I’m just going on along for the ride. During my first semester at UNCC hardly knew who I was and so many people still don’t know me and I’m completely okay with that. But I managed to step out of my comfort zone and made new friends whether or not they stay permanently I enjoy every person I get to meet throughout my journey because I learn something different about every person I come in contact with. I decided to live a healthier life this year now don’t get me wrong I still have my lazy bones, but I’m more motivated than I’ve ever been. I use to be so self-conscious about my body and although I’m never going to be a stick and neither do I want to I have learned to love and appreciate my body this year. Enjoying alone time has become a favorite thing of mine. I already didn’t mind being alone, but I appreciate just thinking alone now. Sitting at random fountains or walking through empty trails can really clear you mind when it seems like the world is on your shoulders.

During my year of being twenty-five I plan on continuing to forgive myself for not loving me more. I unselfishly put someone else before me for years although my love got doubted I still did what I could to make them happy. I kept forgiving friends who didn’t deserve my friendship and holding onto past family issues. But none of this is will define the person I am today or years to come. They were all lessons to do more not for them, but for myself. I deserve it all and I won’t stop until I get it. I had imprisoned myself for so many years and now that I’m almost twenty-five I feel like a kid exploring all these new things for the first time. And to some that may sound silly, but it’s not to me. I don’t care if it takes you to the age of fifty to realize that you deserve more out of life all that matters is you recognize it before it’s too late. Don’t wonder what could have been anymore just worry about what is going to be in the future for you.

So to my twenty-five year old self I cannot wait to go on another years worth of journeys with you. All the challenges you went through in the past has now prepared you to be greater. Learn as many new things as you possibly can. Don’t be sorry for being too loud or too outspoken. Continue with your fifty shades of laughter and never apologize for being amazing. And most of all continue to love and appreciate yourself and life. You don’t need luck because whatever is meant to happen will happen for you just speak it all into existence as you have done this year. You’re so dope and people who will come to know you will always remember that crazy, fun, loving person that you were always meant to be. Go show this world what you have to offer. Be free baby!

Love Tracy.

Learn to Live

Being an adult so far has been extremely challenging for me and I’m only 24. Since I was a kid I’ve gone through many obstacles to be where I am today. Everybody has their own story to tell and I am always amazed to see what has led people to be the way they are today. Many have said I’m a bitch who doesn’t take shit from anyone. And they couldn’t be more correct. Now don’t get me wrong I have my soft spots for people and I will do any and everything to help people when I can. But along with that I’ve been hurt by so many people along the way so it is difficult to let new people in without being cautious. One thing that has always stuck with me for a really long time is you live and learn. You really have to go through things yourself to learn from your mistakes. I use to be so scared to try new things whether it was talking to people, moving away from family, or traveling.

As I have gotten older I’ve learned to be more open to new experiences and came to realize that I can’t be stuck in the same bubble my whole life. All this came from being hurt by people and being disappointed with how certain things didn’t quite go my way in my life. “Painful situations can lead to new beginnings,” and this is just another little inspirational quote that I like to reference back to when I’m feeling down sometimes. Even if the decisions you are making may not turn out the way you want them to you can still take something from every situation and turn it into something positive for the future. My parents divorced when I was young and it hurt me so much. I told myself that I would never fall in love with someone just to be hurt. Guess what I did fall in love with someone and I was able to share the good and bad with them, but turns out that person wasn’t made for me. Was I hurt by it not working out of course, but I know when the time is right god will let that one into my life again and I will love again. I didn’t expect to move to a new city and start again, but I have and I’m still enjoying the steps I took to further my growth. Everything I have done I appreciate it because it helped me grow. I don’t regret one thing in my life. We all wish we would’ve done things differently, but you should never regret anything because at that moment you felt it was the right choice for you.

If I have taken one thing from my past and other should too. You’re going to be disappointed by things that have happened or are going to happened. But make the best out of every situation and understand that god didn’t wake you up this morning to feel bad for yourself. Imagine all those people out there whose situation is worse than yours and they would love to trade places with you. Learn something from every situation and appreciate it.

Sincerely proud of the person she is becoming

UNCC rising Junior :)

These last few years have been trying to overcome many obstacles of completing school. But although I’m not on the same page as others I’m still getting there. I received my acceptance letter to UNCC around this time last year and literally fell to the ground in tears because I finally started realizing that my purpose on this earth has to have more meaning than I ever thought possible. I went through alot in the Fall 2014 semester: I struggled with financial issues, friendships and went through a terrible breakup around finals. I basically just said FUCK EVERYTHING!

Although I felt my whole world was spiraling out of control I decided to grasp a hold on my life and continue pushing because I refuse to be weak and let little or big setbacks keep me down. I brought my GPA back up this SPRING 2015 semester and was proud of myself because I knew I could do it I just had to encourage myself more. Enough of me though. Here are few tips for everyone returning back to school for the FALL 2015 semester….

1. STUDY STUDY STUDY: You may think you can just review for a class the night before or cram and be successful, but this will not help you in the long run. And if you can do that and succeed then that’s great for you.
2. TAKE NOTES: If the teacher says this will be on your test TRUST ME it will. A whole class period of the teacher reading straight from a Powerpoint is absolutely the worse, but somewhere in there you will find some useful information along the way. The best way to take on these are to take brief notes on each section to help you remember the information, but don’t ignore it just because the teacher is reading straight from it.
3. HIGHLIGHTERS ARE YOUR BFF: If I rent books the first question I ask is can I highlight in it and not be penalized because that’s the best way to remember information in textbooks (for me anyway). This is useful for 10 plus pages for handouts also.
4. READ THE REQUIRED READING: If you are assigned a book that you are not interested in just read the damn book. You will be quizzed and tested and if you don’t read it you will regret it I promise.
5. LEAVE NEGATIVE VIBES BEHIND: As I said before I let my financial problems, family and friends, and my breakup affect my first semester at UNCC and it will drag you down if you let it. Always try to stay positive while studying and know that everything on the outside is not going to help you get that diploma only you can put in the work to get the results.
6. ENJOY YOURSELF: I really want to be done with the late night study sessions, tests and ridiculous papers, but I made the choice to stay in school to further my education and as much as I dislike it. I know that I will be successful and it will all be worth my blood,sweat and tears 🙂 haha no blood I hope! Just make the most out of every situation while in college.

I hope everyone has a great FALL 2015 semester and always stay focused and realize this is all temporary. You will be fine and don’t let one bad grade or teacher discourage you. There are so many people waiting for you to FAIL, but don’t let them  win. YOU GOT THIS !

HAPPY BLOGGING

The one who almost broke me

When I was a young girl I always imagined my life being a fairy tale when I grew older. I would meet my prince charming, have kids, and live this magical life. But it turns out life can leave a bitter but rewarding taste afterwards. I had a chance to fall so madly in love with someone and allow their entire existence to consume me. The love that makes you so sick that without them you feel like nothing. I could never say yes I can honestly live without them that was NEVER me. Until I later realized that once we had put each other through so much bullshit that even the happily ever after may not be so happy.

My love story began in 2010 with my once one and only. Just as every love story begins we were head over heels for each other. Countless nights spent together, long phone conversations, and those god awful facebook posts. Then things suddenly started shifting and I was becoming this overly controlling person, accusing, and constantly complained all the time. Now I won’t put all the blame on myself because before I started doing all this others were getting his attention and he would entertain it. Me being the insecure person I was would snoop around and each time I would find something. As the saying goes, “if you look you’re going to find something”. I think I was looking for something to push me to the edge so I could finally say he was just like every other asshole I had given my interest to. But, every time I stayed and ignored my feelings because I always thought that nobody could ever love me like he did. Insecure, lost and trying to search for something but I didn’t even know what I was looking for.

Our fights got worse and feelings kept getting pushed to the side. We had tried to talk, but always ended up at the same dead end. A year before our relationship ended we decided maybe a new change of scenery would be great for us, so we started our journey of moving from Greenville to Charlotte. Before the move things had calmed down a little because we were looking forward to turning a new leaf together. But, I quickly learned that you can’t move forward until you’ve dealt with your past demons. The big city brought more challenges to us. Working constantly and school really took a toll on us, but at this point I had began to stop fighting it and started letting things go how they wanted. After a huge amount of support from friends and family I started to realize I wasn’t alone and I didn’t make a mistake of moving to Charlotte and to this day I still don’t regret it. When our last big fight happened the weekend of my birthday I said to myself and him that this was the last time I would be treated less than what I deserve. He broke it off and about a week after it happened I had honestly accepted that we were not meant for each other. I had lost myself for so long trying to care for someone else that I forgot about me. Now once I accepted and let go of everything is when he wanted me back. But the crazy part about it was no matter how many years we spent struggling together I no longer wanted him anymore. After battling with him for so long I decided what was best for me was to walk away and I did.

Many may say I’m a shitty person for not trying harder including him, but at the end of the day my happiness matters. Again I appreciate being able to experience that love with someone that many will never have the chance to, but at what cost does beating yourself up and never feeling good enough end? I fell out of love with him way before our breakup, but it took me losing him and myself to finally see that. The tears I cried were happy tears because I felt so free from all the bad things that had happen. I made a vow after that to never lose me again and never let anyone else take me for granted. I’m worth everything and I will never let a man define the person that I am. I didn’t go through all the obstacles in life just to be knocked down over and over. And when I look back at our love story I don’t regret one thing that happened because it helped grow and be where I am now. So this was just another lesson learned in my life and I will continue to be a better me today than I was yesterday. Thank you for helping me learn things about myself that I never thought I would get to know. But all the good and bad we experienced together has ended and I’m going to continue on with the rest of my chapter I have began without you. Thank you for everything but all birds aren’t meant to be caged and I’m finally free.

Life is Good.

I always thought that if I was nice or caring enough that I would be able to hold on to friendships or relationships. But, the truth is no matter how much you try to be there for people you’re going to lose people along the way. Some people are placed in different points of your life as lessons. I’ve lost friends and what I thought was my soul mate, but I refuse to dwell on the past. I always thought this quote was dumb but it holds more meaning to it the older I get.

“Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest… It’s about who came, and never left your side.”

I’ve been called a lot of things but a bad person and friend is what I’m not. Many may not like the things I do, but it’s not my job to seek approval from anyone. Everything I have ever done in my life has been a lesson not a regret and will continue to be just that. Communication pertains to anything in life and if all you do is bash someone then why do you continue to talk to them. It’s very immature and if you’re not helping me grow along the way then you’re a toxic person that I don’t need. I don’t bother to hold on to the strands of people because at the end of the day the only person I need on my side is God and family.

So with that if a friend is trying to put you down for not doing enough then keep doing what you do. They obviously have issues within themselves and need to spread their negativity, but don’t let them. If your boyfriend is making you feel you’re not good enough and makes you shed more tears then laughs then let his dumb ass go. You’ll meet great people along the way and many won’t stay for the ride. But as the saying goes, “everyone you lose is not a loss.” I plan on always winning in all aspects of my life with learning many things comes growth. Stay happy and weird everyone!

.l

FutureME

FutureMe, I hope that you are so much closer to your dreams of receiving your bachelors degree. Your relationship with Christ has grown stronger, and you still have the man of your dreams in your life. By this time a lot will have changed over another year. Which means I hope you have found yourself more than ever before. Learn to love and let go and be a more free spirit. You are still so blessed to be living. And I hope that once this letter reaches you your health will still be just as good as when you first received that kidney from your dad 18 whole years ago. Your relationship with your mother would’ve evolved into something so much greater and you’ll still be daddy’s little girl. To futureme good luck with the next life changing years you will experience in your entire life.

This was written exactly one year ago and I can honestly say that I am pleased with the amount of growth that I have experienced. I decided to let go of a few toxins in my life that would better me as a person. I’ve always been afraid of change mainly because I didn’t want to be knocked down. Truth is you’re going to get knocked down, but you have to find that strength inside to get back up and push forward. I still have many disappointments that I will go through and I am thankful that I will get to experience those just so I can continue to grow more and be a better me than I was yesterday.

Here we go

Hi There! I’m Tracy and I thought it might be interesting to start this blog thing. I’ve wanted to do this for some time, but always found a reason not to so here goes nothing. Most of what I express on social media only covers the surface of how I really feel or the person that i am in real life. I’m constantly changing these days and It’ll be nice to share my thoughts on a lot of different topics and maybe help others if they are struggling with something in their life also. I hope you all ENJOY!