The one who almost broke me

When I was a young girl I always imagined my life being a fairy tale when I grew older. I would meet my prince charming, have kids, and live this magical life. But it turns out life can leave a bitter but rewarding taste afterwards. I had a chance to fall so madly in love with someone and allow their entire existence to consume me. The love that makes you so sick that without them you feel like nothing. I could never say yes I can honestly live without them that was NEVER me. Until I later realized that once we had put each other through so much bullshit that even the happily ever after may not be so happy.

My love story began in 2010 with my once one and only. Just as every love story begins we were head over heels for each other. Countless nights spent together, long phone conversations, and those god awful facebook posts. Then things suddenly started shifting and I was becoming this overly controlling person, accusing, and constantly complained all the time. Now I won’t put all the blame on myself because before I started doing all this others were getting his attention and he would entertain it. Me being the insecure person I was would snoop around and each time I would find something. As the saying goes, “if you look you’re going to find something”. I think I was looking for something to push me to the edge so I could finally say he was just like every other asshole I had given my interest to. But, every time I stayed and ignored my feelings because I always thought that nobody could ever love me like he did. Insecure, lost and trying to search for something but I didn’t even know what I was looking for.

Our fights got worse and feelings kept getting pushed to the side. We had tried to talk, but always ended up at the same dead end. A year before our relationship ended we decided maybe a new change of scenery would be great for us, so we started our journey of moving from Greenville to Charlotte. Before the move things had calmed down a little because we were looking forward to turning a new leaf together. But, I quickly learned that you can’t move forward until you’ve dealt with your past demons. The big city brought more challenges to us. Working constantly and school really took a toll on us, but at this point I had began to stop fighting it and started letting things go how they wanted. After a huge amount of support from friends and family I started to realize I wasn’t alone and I didn’t make a mistake of moving to Charlotte and to this day I still don’t regret it. When our last big fight happened the weekend of my birthday I said to myself and him that this was the last time I would be treated less than what I deserve. He broke it off and about a week after it happened I had honestly accepted that we were not meant for each other. I had lost myself for so long trying to care for someone else that I forgot about me. Now once I accepted and let go of everything is when he wanted me back. But the crazy part about it was no matter how many years we spent struggling together I no longer wanted him anymore. After battling with him for so long I decided what was best for me was to walk away and I did.

Many may say I’m a shitty person for not trying harder including him, but at the end of the day my happiness matters. Again I appreciate being able to experience that love with someone that many will never have the chance to, but at what cost does beating yourself up and never feeling good enough end? I fell out of love with him way before our breakup, but it took me losing him and myself to finally see that. The tears I cried were happy tears because I felt so free from all the bad things that had happen. I made a vow after that to never lose me again and never let anyone else take me for granted. I’m worth everything and I will never let a man define the person that I am. I didn’t go through all the obstacles in life just to be knocked down over and over. And when I look back at our love story I don’t regret one thing that happened because it helped grow and be where I am now. So this was just another lesson learned in my life and I will continue to be a better me today than I was yesterday. Thank you for helping me learn things about myself that I never thought I would get to know. But all the good and bad we experienced together has ended and I’m going to continue on with the rest of my chapter I have began without you. Thank you for everything but all birds aren’t meant to be caged and I’m finally free.

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